Saturday, 21 May 2011

The Osteopath

He was recommended by a friend so I went along to Notting Hill and saw him. He offered me a discount rate if I went to his house instead of the practice he works at. He answered the door and went to shake my hand quicker than I expected so my little finger got caught up in the shake. I was worried, trying to remember if that was some secret gay handshake that signals you're up for a bit of rumpy pumpy. I remember someone saying italians did that or something.

Anyway, he takes me upstairs, pays his cleaner to leave early and then asks me a bunch of stuff about my back, which was to be expected. I'm trying to figure out if he's gay, I'm pretty sure he is but he's wearing a wedding ring. But he's fairly camp and he has a pink stripy silk shirt on, so I figure yeah he's probably gay and married to a dude.

Anyway, so he asks me to strip down to my underwear and bend over in front of him. Again, this was to be expected really. He tells me I'm very long and he gets me to lie down on his special bed. He tests my reflexes, then he tests my pulse in my feet and then my groin, and lets his thumb get a bit of contact with the old fella, just enough that it could be innocuous, but still. Then he does an hour of rubbing me. It's a lower back problem so he spends a lot of time rubbing my buttock. He does this rub where he puts my knee in his groin and tells me to push as hard as I can then he lays down on top of me and rolls around whilst rubbing my bum.

Then he goes I'm gonna do some what we call 'vibrating', and he stands at the end of the bed, puts my foot in his groin and rapidly pelvic thrusts my leg. To be fair this one felt pretty good.

Then he tells me I should do this stretch at home and he gets down on the floor on all fours and slowly gyrates his pelvis whilst looking at me. Me laying there in my pants. This is when I remember the handshake thing and start to worry I've accidentally consented to something.

Throughout the session he's chatting and it emerges he used to be a dancer, I asked him what sort and he said oh y'know Las Vegas cabaret style. This explains why later on he does a sort of pirouette.

Anyway, he tells me to put my clothes on because he wants to watch me get dressed. Then he demonstrates the recommended stretch again, this time on all fours on his bed, gyrating. Then he gets up and this is where he does the pirouette.

I give him thirty five quid and I leave. He tells me future sessions will be thirty and to come back next week if it's not better.

So I dunno. Thing is, my back feels worse now. Should I go back?

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